Roman Hair

The Romans were different from the Greeks. Everyone knew that. The Greeks lived in city states and put resin in their wine. The Romans decided they would conquer the world and they cut their wine with water so they could be models of sobriety and probity when they weren't doing terrible things to each other. Roman women sometimes dyed their hair red and they wore bikinis and ate hamburgers when they went swimming on the Isle of Capri.

Julius Caesar was a great general as well as being a wiley politician and a ladies' man. He was balding but combed his hair forward to hide the fact. He did that so well that he was seduced by the 18-year-old Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt. Once that happened, even men who weren't bald started wearing their hair that way. Cleopatra was very busy for awhile.

Caesar wanted to strengthen the Roman Republic. To do that, he overthrew it and established a personal dictatorship. To bring back the republic, indignant senators assassinated him. Marc Anthony had his hair done and jumped in bed with Cleopatra, the Battle of Actium was fought, and next thing people knew it was Nero Time.

Messalina was a 16-year-old babe when the 50-year-old Emperor Claudius married her. He said something foolish about admiring her for her mind and she commenced to let the good times roll for seven years or so. Messalina began selling her influence and imperial favors. She hooked up with crooked contractors. And then there were the boys. Lots of boys. Claudius was soon trying to figure why people snickered when he walked into the room.

Caius Silius was the most handsome fellow in Rome. Messalina married him while Claudius was out of town. Claudius came home and discovered he had a husband-in-law. He had the Imperial executioner give Messalina a really short haircut and became a widower.
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