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Before the invention of the haircut and beer
there was no civilization. People were nomadic. They kept goats and ate
roots, berries and sometimes stones.
Everything changed when, at the Dawn of History in beautiful Mesopotamia, the Sumerians invented the haircut and then went on to invent writing and beer, build cities, and construct a prosperous civilization. |
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This being the case, the unshorn
Akkadians were
left with nothing but goats.
Feeling left out, one day they all got together, came out of the desert, and descended upon Sumeria. They beat up the women and raped the men (they were still working on getting this down quite right) and claimed Civilization as their own. |
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Over in the Indus Valley civilization was also springing into being, with a prosperous society run by bearded merchants, complete with nekkid dancing girls. The beer flowed and the good times rolled until the Aryans showed up, around 1500 BC. |  |
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The Chinese had a hard time getting civilized. They managed to raise millet and make a semblence of beer, but the Yellow River kept overflowing its banks and washing them and their works away. But once Xia Yu Di managed to invent irrigation, flood control and the funny hat they were well on their way. True success was not assured, however, until General Tso's discovery of the chicken. |
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The Egyptians, meanwhile, seem to
have discovered the haircut and beer on their own.
King Menes, the first
ruler of a united Egypt, was carried off by a hippopatamus and things went
downhill from there. They began building pyramids and clubbing each other
to death with stone maces, and before you knew it they were civilized,
too.
Unlike the Mesopotamians, who were either hairy or not hairy, the Egyptians shaved off their hair to keep cool, but wore wigs to be dignified. At times they were so dignified they died of heat prostration. |